4 Principles of Discipline

Some people think that it doesn't necessarily matter how a child is disciplined.. as long as they are. Is this true? Does the type of punishment matter? Will any punishment change behavior? What are the long-term effects of choosing a tough verses soft punishment?

Let's talk about it.

1. Never, and I mean NEVER use physical punishment. 

"So what? It's just a spanking, they need to learn not to draw on the wall."

Just a spanking? I would disagree, along with thousands of scientists who explain the negative effects of physical force on children. 

It is not as simple as just a spanking, or a smack, or a hit. Not only is the relationship between parent and child most likely permanently damaged, the development of the child is inhibited. Research shows that those kids who have experience physical abuse from parents go on to display more aggression. They are prone to becoming bullies, alienating themselves from social groups and experiencing peer rejection, and subject to delinquency. 

Socially, the effects of physical punishment are terrible. Academically they are just as bad. How about emotionally? Cognitively? Physically? 

Corporal punishment is not only ineffective, but also counter effective. It will produce opposite results instead of optimal. 

So if you need to discipline your child, do so without physical action.

2. Don't be verbally abusive.

"Children who have been verbally abused by their parents often have more psychological problems than those who have been physically abused." - Laurence Steinberg

Similar to physical punishment, harsh verbal punishment is also an ineffective way to discipline a child. Just as hitting your kid destroys the relationship they have with you, verbal abuse undermines their emotional attachment to you.

It is important to be firm with children, but being firm does not mean you need to be cruel or even raise your voice. When being punished, if there is a harsh tone to your words that is what will be remembered--not the substance of your lesson.

If you need to teach your child a lesson with your words, do so calmly and firmly and specifically. Focus your correction on their behavior, not them as a person. Instead of saying "you're a disappointment," try "your behavior is disappointing to me right now."

3. Control your anger.

NEVER make a disciplinary decision for your child out of anger. It is rare that any good comes from acting in anger.

Yes, punishment is most effective when applied immediately. So if you find yourself boiling over in anger at a situation advice from Steinberg says to, "take a deep breath, count to three, and tell your child in a firm but measured tone that you are furious."

After doing this, you can send them to a safe space while you recollect yourself for a few minutes. But do not forget that you need to take action as well.

When you discipline your child without manifesting your anger towards them, they learn key lessons about controlling their emotions in appropriate ways. You are an example to your child. If you want them to refrain from physically manifesting their anger towards others, do not do it to them.

4. What is the correct way to discipline my child?

In Steinberg's book, "The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting," a five step approach is presented for effective punishment. Here they are:

1. Identify (specifically) what action was wrong.

2. Describe the impact the behavior has on others or the situation.

 3. Propose an alternative for the misbehavior.

4. State clearly what the punishment will be. Make sure it is specific to the misbehavior and genuinely onerous

5. Give your child your expectation for their behavior next time the situation presents itself.

Hopefully these tips give you a better approach to disciplining your children effectively and out of love.

Resources

Corporal punishment and health. (2021, November 23). Www.who.int. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health#:~:text=Consequences

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

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